I dont know whether to cry, laugh or puke

I'm tired
But I have to stay awake all night and all day tomorrow
I want to sleep, puke, eat, drink, laugh, cry, write, draw, watch tv, cry some more, puke again and sleep
Why the fuck do I have to have this fucking disease
Why do I have to go in for an EEG and be running on no sleep and 26 hours of being awake
Why dont those bastards tell me anything
Why dont they know if its Epilepsy or not yet?
Is it something I'm doing wrong?
Is it stress induced seizures?
Am I just a freak?
What am I

I want to scratch my collarbones till they bleed
I want to cut my nails, I want to grow them, I want to paint them, I want to strip them
I want to cut my hair and grow it long
I want to eat but I want to puke
maybe I should just puke
Maybe I'll feel better after
Maybe I should lie on the floor and count the shadows
Maybe I should blink
Maybe I should just go for a run as early as I can tomorrow morning
As soon as dad gets up I'll get dressed and go for a run
I'll run until I cant feel my legs
I'm not even gonna run properly I'll just run full pelt around that field until I fall over and if I pass out who cares they'll find me eventually

I'm gonna fuckin run and run until my legs give out and nobody can do shit about it
they cant do jack shit about whether I run or stay in bed

expect more journals like this cos im tired and grumpy and sad and i hate my life